From Aardvarc To Zucchini:
All The Errors You Can Get In Destiny

young-neptune

Rabbit
Chokeberry
Breadfruit
Raptor
Bird
Bassoon
Clarinet
Cowbell
Drum
Budgie
Weasel
Banjo
Accordion
Beagle
Whale
Wolf
Wombat
Worm
Woodpecker
Yak
Blackcurrant
Jasmine
Snail
Urchin
Catfish
Carp
Pelican
Cat
Pear
Penguin
Canary
Buffalo
Banana
Vulture
Buzzard
Oyster
Bull
Ostrich
Bordercollie
Caribou
Lychee
Chimpanzee
Mulberry
Lime
Blackbird
Bison
Bonobo
Camel
Buck
Artichoke
Walrus
Boar
Monkey
Nightingale
Lynx
Chipmunk
Manatee
Wasp
Stingray
Squirrel
Caterpillar
Centipede
Cattle
Marionberry
Newt
Mosquito
Magpie
Chicken
Olive
Orange
Cranberry
Bramble
Blackberry
Blueberry
Apricot
Porpoise
Porcupine
Pony
Pigeon
Pig
Dragonfruit
Coffee
Coconut
Cacao
Cashew
Cherry
Clementine
Currant
Crowberry
Eggplant
Elderberry
Jackfruit
Opossum
Octopus
Owl
Fig
Gooseberry
Grapefruit
Grape
Honeydew
Kiwi
Peanut
Persimmon
Pomegranate
Pumpkin
Oxen
Papaya
Prune
Pineapple
Lemon
Raisin
Raspberry
Plantain
Tangelo
Tamarind
Tomato
Tangerine
Satsuma
Strawberry
Rhubarb
Zucchini
Wolfberry
Watermelon
Vanilla
Ant
Anaconda
Alpaca
Alligator
Albatross
Aardvarc
Baboon
Anteater
Basilisk
Barracuda
Bat
Bass
Otter
Badger
Armadillo
Antelope
Bee
Beaver
Beetle
Crab
Coyote
Cow
Cougar
Cobbler
Cockroach
Cockatiel
Dalmation
Crow
Crocodile
Cricket
Cray
Crawfish
Crane
Dingo
Dog
Deer
Elephant
Egret
Eel
Earwig
Earthworm
Dragonfly
Dove
Donkey
Dolphin
Dinosaur
Fly
Flatworm
Elk
Ferret
Finch
Falcon
Emu
Flamingo
Firefly
Fish
Groundhog
Grasshopper
Gorilla
Gopher
Goose
Goat
Gnat
Giraffe
Frog
Fox
Hawk
Impala
Iguana
Heron
Hedgehog
Hare
Hyena
Horse
Hippo
Herring
Kingfisher
Krill
Koala
Kangaroo
Jaguar
Jackrabbit
Jackal
Jellyfish
Insect
Inchworm
Lion
Leopard
Mole
Lemur
Lionfish
Lemming
Leech
Lamb
Mink
Mandrill
Panther
Apple
Mongoose
Chinchilla
Chihuahua
Peach
Mantaray
Mango
Avocado
Loganberry
Quail
Mallard
Mantis
Gazelle
Eagle
Duck
Cockatoo
Cobra
Chupacabra
Clam
Shark
Viper
Scorpion
Salmon
Sardine
Salamander
Rhinoceros
Raven
Rat
Raccoon
Sheep
Zebra
Stork
Stinkbug
Skunk
Squid
Seal
Spider
Lobster
Llama
Turtle
Tapir
Toad
Turkey
Termite
Swan

The Greyness

Once upon a time there was a woman. The woman lived in a house surrounded by smoke. Every morning she would wake up, push back the coverlet and rush to the window. But there was nothing to see, only the great greyness pressing back against the window pane.

Gradually the woman stopped throwing back the covers with such delight. She stopped rushing to the window. Sometimes she didn’t even get out of her bed. The greyness seemed to ooze through the window and wrap its tentacles around her heart.

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She tried to get rid of it, knowing it was making her breathless and sad.

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First she went to the seaside and let the wind whistle through her bones and the sea pepper her hair and face with salt. But the greyness was afraid of the wind and clung tighter, squeezing her heart to the size of a walnut.

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She returned home anxious and tired.

Perhaps I can find someone who knows about the greyness, she thought. Perhaps they will know how to make it go away or how I can find a new home for it.

The woman did all the visiting she could think of and drank more cups of tea and coffee than she had ever done in her life. But everyone seemed to have brought their own greyness. Some greynesses even had a smaller greyness in tow.

The woman ate a slice of Bakewell tart left over from one of the teas and pondered her problem.

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There was one person left to visit but he lived so very far away.

She travelled for a very long time, over fields and mud and hills. Her little walnut heart made the journey a tiring one. Every sunset made the greyness squeeze tighter until she felt she might start crying and never stop.

Eventually she reached the bottom of the mountain where the man lived. She called up to him but the greyness in her chest was so tight she could only manage a whisper.

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But the man had been waiting for her arrival. He saw her small and scrunched up at the foot of his mountain and hurried down to her.

story6

story7

Together they climbed, one step at a time, until at last she was sitting in his kitchen listening to him telling her all the stories he could think of. The words felt like a blanket he was weaving just for her and she and the greyness snuggled into them for warmth.

The woman and the man stayed together for many days, knitting word blankets and word cosies and word forts for each other.

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Then one day the man beckoned the woman to the window.

The woman was nervous. The man lived so far up the mountain that his house was often inside a cloud. She was afraid that the cloud would bring more greyness into their lives.

Look, he said. You can see the trees through the mist.

story9

She looked. He was right. Little shapes peered back at her, stretching and shining and waving.

The greyness was interested too. It had come to the woman to explore a world outside the grey soup but here was a whole world inside the soup, just waiting to be discovered.

Excitedly it uncoiled itself from the woman’s heart and flowed towards the window, oozing out through a tiny crack near the fastening and off into the new world.

story10

The woman’s breathing deepened and she smiled warmly for the first time in months. The man smiled too, then he wrapped a cape of words around them both.

Holby City and Casualty Last Week

Casualty

Remember how last week Ethan was stressing out because he didn’t keep Awful Nikki in her hospital bed and she caught fire as a result of being awful? Ethan is now beating himself up about that and setting the scene for a day of recriminations and overcaution.

Dr Lily is back this episode which is nice. If memory serves her last screen appearance involved the entire rest of the department finally telling her she was a jerk and that she had bullied one of her mentees. Holby and Casualty are full of strong women who occasionally tip into sociopathy. I salute them for it.

Anyway, Ethan is all I MUST NOT LET PEOPLE DOWN I MUST REMAIN VIGILANT AND DO ALL THE DOCTORING IN THE WORLD which is Casualty speak for “someone will die because of this”. Lily, who refused to take any time off following the death of her father, explains that staff welfare is important.

Oh lord. I had forgotten about Lofty wanting to get a promotion. Well, it’s interview day and A&E’s clumsiest, nicest nurse must convince everyone he is capable and not at all some kind of pudding in a man costume. Cue a guest appearance of the hospital CEO Henrik Hassen who is literally just there to arrange pencils and make Lofty nervous and remind people who stopped watching Holby City that he is still about.

I am annoyed about Lofty’s plotline. One, because it’s utterly obvious where this is going and that Lofty will rise to a challenge in some way and then get the job because SOAP OPERAS. Two, because back in the mists of time (last December or whenevs) peppy nurse Robyn Miller decided she was going to apply but also encouraged Lofty to go for it because she isn’t jealous etc etc. Her application instantly disappeared from the show’s consciousness and everything since has been about Lofty’s coming of professionalism story or whatever.

Spoiler: he rises to the challenge by manning an outdoor tent full of ill jerks because the hospital gets overloaded (the other local hospital has had to shut its doors). Lofty gets the job, Robyn hangs about trying to get people to put some money in a fund-raising bucket. She does, however, get a Taylor Swift reference into the episode.

In other irritations, Dixie is now getting flowers and longing looks from Jess [backstory for that here]. Jess is rebounding so hard from Awful Nikki that she might as well be on a relationship trampoline so the kiss they share at the end of the episode ends with Dixie saying “I can’t do this”. GOOD IDEA. STICK WITH THAT.

Back to Ethan. Charlie Fairhead is all “Well, he is probably reacting badly because of all that bad news you gave him about possibly having Huntington’s and also his mum not being his biological mum, isn’t he Cal?” Cal did not tell him any of these things.

YAY ZOE HANNA IS BACK! I love Zoe. She is a lovable mess who absolutely fucked her marriage to hospital porter Max into the bin what with sleeping with a rando on her hen night. Fun fact: The wedding then caught fire and exploded and Zoe nearly drowned in her own wedding dress (and also the local river) before Charlie saved her. Max is hanging about and is a bit jealous and exhibits clear symptoms of Maybe I Still Want You But I Am Not Sure And This Will Go On For A Long Time-Itis.

Cal eventually decides he must tell Ethan all of the bad news but not before Ethan has to provide care for a dying elderly lady (it’s actually a really moving part of the episode and I cried) and tries to be there for a suicidal patient. Unfortunately for the patient, “being there” involves having an audible conversation near the patient where he confesses that this diligence is because he still feels guilty over missing something with Awful Nikki.

The patient leaves and then accidentally causes a car crash involving some dithery guy who is having a major attack of MAYBE THE GRASS IS GREENER ELSEWHERE and his girlfriend (of whose grass he has grown weary). I do not have much sympathy for this dude. But it’s okay! Apparently his girlfriend being in a life-endangering situation means he has realised she is the one for him. Romance.

Actually, Ethan saves her so his day isn’t all bad. Alas he ruins it all by going to tell Lily she isn’t “the pariah of the department” as she contemplates a body. The body is that of the man from earlier and Ethan does not take this well.

In other news Louise has a go at a patient and sticks up for the NHS thus getting him to change his ways and donate to the hospital fund-raising effort.

Holby City

Mr Hanssen must decide whether to fight for the CEO-ship of Holby or go see his family in Sweden. The choice comes about because Guy Self is a narcissistic maniac and wants the job back. He’s wandering round doing shady deals and offering Ric Griffin shiny new medical equipment to try and get the support he needs to stage a coup. He has also started parking in Hanssen’s space.

I really do feel like as hospital coups go this one has been kind of rushed. It only really picked up pace the last week or so and now it’s all THERE IS A FIGHT FOR THE HOSPITAL AND PROBABLY ALSO THE CORE VALUES OF THE NHS BECAUSE HANSSEN IS ACTUALLY NICE AND GUY SELF IS AWFUL.

The whole thing revolves around Hanssen deciding what his priorities are and he sort of nibbles away at a number of the sideplots, making appearances and dispensing advice or prompting shifts in other people’s behaviour. For example, the ridiculously awkward family party that Sacha is trying to get his fiance Essie to attend. It is awkward because Sacha’s family is Jewish and Essie’s grandad is an escaped Nazi war criminal.

He also tells Arthur to write a paper for publication, tells Jac Naylor to come up with an R&D proposal to rival Guy Self’s neuro-lab of coolness and gets deeply involved in the case of a guy he finds outside the hospital. “I reckon fifty people walked past me outside without even seeing I was there, so thanks,” says the guy. The guy also calls Hanssen the BFG for a while.

Here is Serena “enjoying” some shortbread made by Arthur Digby. Morven later puts the shortbread in the clinical waste disposal.

Morven spends the episode making up Shakespearean-inspired research paper puns. Did I mention that I love Morven?

Anyway, the return of a balloon model-making patient pisses Jac off. Jac hates balloons either because they’re fun and Jac is not into fun or because of her time in the children’s home. It could be either but she tells underling Olly Valentine the latter and he shuts up about it.

“If it comes near me I will stick a pin in it. And that goes for the balloon too,” she tells the patient. She does later stick a pin in each and every one of his balloon animals. After picking through Professor Elliot Hope’s old stent research and discovering that even tedious balloon men have feelings Jac decides to fight for that cardiothorassic R&D money using a balloon-based stent project inspired by the very thing she hates and using balloon man as a case study.

Hanssen has also remembered it’s the anniversary of Nurse Fletcher’s wife’s death, worked out the life history and medical and emotional sufferings of his patient, coached Sacha towards some kind of awful party resolution, prompted Arthur’s return to Keller Ward from AAU and decided to prioritise Holby over his family. So… yay? Yay for everyone except his Swedish family.

Serena takes great joy delivering this news to Guy Self. God, Serena is great. I’m so glad she’s the one wiping the smile of Guy Self’s smug face. SUCK IT, GUY.

Why I Am Leaving London

Look, I just ordered a salad because it is a hot day except the salad ended up consisting mainly of runner beans and they are really long and complicated so I started not cutting them up because no-one was watching but then some of them ended up sticking out of my mouth at weird angles and then a woman started laughing at me and I felt like a weird bird being outfoxed by a worm and now I can’t finish my salad because of the scrutiny and I need to deal with the fact I now have peanut sauce up the side of my face.

That is why I am leaving London.

It is only for the weekend. Hopefully everyone will have forgotten about this incident on Monday.

Welcome to freelance. We have gifs.

1. Sit down to definitely write a bunch of pitch emails to editors

2. There are probably also some OTHER emails you should answer

3. Four coffees later the actual pitching happens

4. IT HAS BEEN AT LEAST THREE MINUTES WHY HAS NO ONE RESPONDED WHAT EVEN IS THIS OH GOD

5. So you get on with some other projects

6. Someone responded! Wait, now an article needs to be written?

7. Prose finally happens…

8. (… at 4am)

9. Submit.

10. Check comments at end of article

11. Finally money arrives

12. It is invested wisely.

5 bloody stupid things that happened to me at a wedding fair

Once upon a time (a year or two ago), I was a single lady with a press pass for a wedding fair. I wrote a heap of anecdotes from the show into a Google doc but they never found a home in an article so here are five of them…

—– THE DRESS —–

“Oh, I’ve actually been a lot more naked than this for work.”

There is a pause while the dress fitter and I digest the latest thing I shouldn’t have said out loud during the wedding fair. I have to quickly explain about a waxing feature I did for a website once.

I am halfway into a traditional wedding dress. In case you’ve never had the joy of that experience, remember when Han Solo was flash-frozen in carbonite? I imagine it’s almost exactly like that except the carbonite has been replaced with silk, certain types of bra are out of the question and Darth Vader expects you to look radiant.

Then you add heels.

—– THE CAKE —–

“Are these real cakes?”

I am bending over next to a cake stand trying to do the culinary equivalent of looking up its skirt. I was lured over by the promise of icing before remembering (please do not ask how I know this) that demonstration cakes are often just polystyrene blocks covered in sugarpaste. The upskirt has yielded glimpse of neither sponge nor fruit and this is a massive concern.

“No.”

I draw a complete blank at this point. What do I say to a cake seller who has no real cakes? How does one assess him?

“Is there marmalade?”

I have panicked. I remember using marmalade to help stick the marzipan to a Christmas cake once. Perhaps I should have asked about the marzipan situation instead.

He looks at me strangely.

I think I remember seeing some small hotel breakfast-sized portions of jam in one of the cafes around the periphery of the showspace. The man seems to be getting exasperated with me for some reason so I instinctively decide to try and help him.

“I think there’s some jam…”

He turns away from me decisively and smiles at a real bride-to-be.

—– THE CAR —–

“Basically, keep your legs together.”

A model is explaining to me how you get in and out of a car gracefully in a wedding dress. And by “gracefully” I mean “while not familiarising your wedding party with your waxing arrangements”.

Her advice reminds me of a thinly-veiled lecture our head of sixth form once gave during an assembly about the dangers of spending lunchtimes in cars with boys. It seems that no matter how old you get the advice stays the same.

Boys. Cars. Knees together. Well done, you are a lady.

“And make sure you sort of ease yourself in backwards.”

My mind is instantly somewhere entirely inappropriate.

—– THE CATCH —–

“Someone was saying earlier that a wedding fair is actually a good place to pick up a guy.”

This unexpected piece of information comes as I confess to a lady manning a decoration stand that I am not a bride-to-be.

I suppose it makes a perverse kind of sense – a man at a wedding fair is demonstrably not entirely wedding-phobic. However, despite this excellent point, I can’t help questioning the overall thrust of the logic. Would he not be there planning his big day with someone else?

But then a darker possibility presents itself. Maybe he comes to wedding fairs for fun. And by also being at a wedding fair he would think you were also a fan of wedding fairs. Then you would be expected to participate in his hobby, poring over issues of bridal magazines which thump onto the doormat month after month and attending a never-ending stream of wedding fairs? The future is suddenly awash with pastel-coloured Pinterest boards and opportunities to care about ribbon.

“I think perhaps this man would be a Not Very Good option.”

—– THE DRESS PT 2: THE DRESSENING—–

“Do you like it?”

I am standing in front of a mirror wearing a green slip dress over which the assistant has lowered a lace layer.

“It is beautiful.”

I’m not lying, it is beautiful, but I’m not having a transformative Moment, What has actually happened is I have accidentally immersed myself in wedding – swamped myself in it, in fact, as I’m a good foot shorter than the person for whom sample sizes are made.

After I head back into the changing room I try to picture myself at a wedding. A wedding involving this dress. Any wedding. Someone else’s wedding. A play in which there is a wedding. An island of weddings. With dinosaurs, like Jurassic Park.

This leads to a few minutes of pretending to be a combination of a T-rex and Godzilla until the assistant lady asks if “everything’s alright in there?”

I emerge wearing my jeans, tshirt and backpack.

“That one is £2,000,” says the assistant.

I do not blink.

This is because I am currently pretending to be a bride-to-be who doesn’t react to high prices. Certainly not by surprised blinking. But I realise that having committed to not blinking I am unsure when to start again. My eyeballs start to feel chilly and the assistant seems concerned.

“Fantastic.”

I blink five times hoping that that will redress the balance.

I think it is time for me to leave.

Why Dota 2′s Immortal Treasures left me disappointed

Dota 2 is my most-played game ever. I have poured more than a thousand hours into it, made some great friends and I like spending snippets of whatever grownups call pocket money on little wizard hats and capes.

When the magical digital wizard booklet known as the Compendium was announced for 2014 I picked one up as soon as possible. A quarter of the proceeds go to The International 4 prize fund with the rest going to Valve. I like the idea of contributing to a tournament I enjoy and to players from whom I have learned a lot. Similarly, Valve’s input is cool. Reaching stretch goals means the team create items, a new game mode, different types of customisation – some of the rewards will benefit all Dota 2 players, even those who didn’t pick up a Compendium.

Today was the day for delivering the Immortal Treasures.

Last year’s Compendium Immortals were problematic because there was a clear disparity in terms of their value. Some were for popular heroes and had supercool animations, some were for less popular heroes and didn’t really deliver on the animations front either. As Chris puts it on Three Lane Highway, it was possible to feel like you’d lost.

This year is far better in that respect – the items are cool, the chest system has been changed so that with multiple chests you’re not risking doubling up on an item you’ve already received and there’s a chance for earning some ace rares. Indeed, I haven’t spoken to anyone who’s been disappointed. Except for me.

“Once the Immortal Treasure stretch goal is reached, you’ll receive an extra Immortal Treasure every 10 levels. Each time you open a treasure, you will find a different item, with a chance to get an exceptionally rare item.”

That’s the way this year’s Immortals work.

I’ve bought my Compendium and been enjoying leveling it up naturally, playing games and completing the tasks the booklet sets in order to gain points. I’m at level 7 at the moment and thus was entitled to one Immortal Treasure box. I opened it while on voice chat with friends as we queued for a game. “What did you get?!” was the question everyone was asking one another. I got a tail for Puck. It’s a lovely item but the character just isn’t one I play. Instantly I started thinking about the people I play with who pick Puck often and who I could gift it to.

I love that aspect of Dota – giving someone an unexpected present just because you know they love playing that hero. It’s a really nice feeling. In fact when I was waiting for the chest to open I was running through which items I’d love and keep and strut up and down the lanes with for months and months and which ones would be heading to other people’s armories for them to do the same.

But everyone else who was excited about the Immortals had received multiple drops. I realised I was the only person there who hadn’t spent extra money leveling up by buying extra points and, as the conversations continue, was acutely aware of how many cool items I was missing out on by not spending money. This is the first time I’ve felt that by not spending money I was having a less enjoyable experience than other people in Dota 2.

By spending the cost of another Compendium you can gain 24 levels on your current Compendium. That does things like affecting the rate at which you earn levels and items for your Dota profile. But what it also does is earn you at least two extra Immortal Treasure drops. Three in my case as I’m already on level 7. I guess looking at it like that made me feel silly for watching my level grow through meeting the booklet’s challenges and things. Like, I was doing it wrong and missing out by not just dropping another six quid into the pot.

I still have the Puck tail too. Like I said before, I was going to give it to someone I know who plays the character a lot. Thing is, he’s spent roughly three times more than I have on the Compendium – nudging towards the £20 mark – and so when I asked what he’d got in his Immortal drops the answer was “everything”.

The Dota 2 treasure system has improved so much since last year, it really has. But the feeling of missing out because I simply hadn’t spent enough money is not one I’ve associated with Dota 2 at all. Having it flash up during a moment I was excited about was unexpected and unpleasant, and then again when I was trying to decide what to do with the item. I want the cool items but they now they feel more like a set of toys you buy outright rather than having an element of reward or socialising to them. I could still spend the extra money – I’d prefer that to using the marketplace, I think – it’s just that I no longer feel good about it.

Why Dota 2 Is Navy Blue

A hallmark of depression is an ongoing attempt to fade out. That’s what it’s like for me anyway. The signal connecting me to the rest of the world sputters and struggles. Conversations turn to static, the future is a station I don’t have the right antenna for, everywhere there are blanks and so I start reciprocating and blanking myself out too.

There used to be a lot of navy blue in my wardrobe at these junctures. Not a rich, dark navy but the powdery one that comes from too many washes and wears. It’s a colour which, already faded, is rendered near-invisible by the ubiquity of denim in our clothes-scape. Wear an oversized navy sweater and jeans and you can slip out of view.

Last year was rough in terms of depression. It’s been part of my life for seventeen years and there’s an ebb and flow to it. That’s not to suggest it has any kind of tidal regularity which would be useful in predicting or dealing with it, though. Sometimes it creeps towards you, giving you time to pack up your things and move elsewhere, mentally. Sometimes it rushes in with alarming speed and threatens to wash you away.

I actually try not to wear that powdery overwashed shade of navy because I know why I do it and I’m trying to reverse cause and effect. It’s bizarrely important to me that my hoodie is now a mossy green, for example. But there are other manifestations of navy blue I hadn’t expected. Last year one of them was a videogame; Dota 2.

Playing as part of a team of five people is a social experience, simply by virtue of other people being there. There’s basic co-operation needed to fight the other team, in-game chat options and, if you play with friends, voices on the end of a Skype call. It’s very easy to sit and listen as you click around the map, to fade out but convince yourself you’ve somehow succeeded in being with other people for a while, that you’re maybe dealing with depression better this time because TEAMWORK!

It took far longer than it should have to realise what was really happening because, if I’m honest, I would still love there to be a way out of this disease. I wanted playing Dota to be the answer because I still want there to be an answer. Any answer. That feeling will probably never go away.

I realised that Dota had become my new navy blue when I realised I was no longer learning anything and hadn’t in months. I have a broad understanding of the game, where to stand, who to aim at, but it ended up stagnating. Each game was another wash and wear. Gradually my Dota playing faded to a powdery navy. Out of date, comfortable, safe, anonymous.

I’ve had to do the same thing as with my actual clothes, attempting to invert cause and effect. It’s harder to do with a mindset, though. Part of dealing with it has been following the professional eSports scene. Paying attention to newness and innovation, keeping up with patches, finding ways to play actively rather than passively.

In games, it’s easier with strangers, like how going to a party where you know no-one and can reinvent yourself is sometimes easier than an evening where you know one or two people and realise you’ve been cycling through the same old topics of conversation while picking at nachos for two hours. With friends the effort has to be redoubled because everyone forms habits, some in response to your own. Shifting all of that by a few degrees of action and aggression will take a while, I think.

There isn’t really an ending to this story because I’m hoping that it actually represents a beginning. After a while keeping particular shades of blue from my wardrobe became something I did automatically. I hope that doing the same for a videogame mindset will see it become second nature too. So far the results, or at least the differences, have been positive and I think I have a lot to gain in pursuing the idea.

Kate Moss, Playboy and Harper’s Bazaar: Let’s talk about covershoot reporting

Playboy is suing Harper’s Bazaar publisher Hearst for $1.35 million over publication of nude photos of Kate Moss (that’s $150,000 per image).

The thing is that Harpers Bazaar wasn’t actually the site publishing the nude pictures. Instead it was linking to another site which had posted nine images from the shoot under the title “Save yourself a fiver. Here’s Kate Moss’ NSFW spread from Playboy”.

Kate Moss for Playboy

Kate Moss for Playboy

As part of the filing (I can’t find an actual copy of the lawsuit so these are quotes taken from the reporting of the subject) Playboy says that it “welcomed the media’s reporting and discussion of its images” but that “Hearst’s link to the Entertainment.ie website page cannot be justified by any suggestion that Hearst was reporting the news of Ms. Moss’s appearance in the 60th Anniversary Issue.”

It’s those comments which made me wonder whether the general public know how magazine covershoot reporting tends to work. It used to be part of my job so here’s a basic account:

A magazine will do a shoot and interview with its cover star. It will then send a selection of the photos and sometimes a few headline-worthy quotes out to websites and newspapers for them to use in articles.

The system has an obvious benefit for the magazine in terms of free publicity but what’s in it for the websites and papers? Why feature a competitor?

The answer is “quality” and “quantity”.

Quality:
Magazines still set aside swathes of budget for photoshoots with production values and levels of access that a lot of websites and dailies can only dream of. Taking the magazine’s shots is a way to get premium images and juicy quotes into your publication without having to pay the production costs.

Quantity:
The Internet and the daily publishing scene are always hungry for content. Taking up these images and quotes can mean at least one extra news story or perhaps a picture gallery if you’re online resulting in more space filled and more page impressions for your publication. It’s why sites are constantly featuring tweets of the rich and the famous – there will alway be an audience for name recognition and the smaller you can carve up the news snippets the more articles (and page views) you can generate.

But the covershoot back-scratching above usually begins life as an email with a hefty dose of legalese attached. There are usually agreements to sign and return if you want the right to use those high quality pictures and they include a raft of stipulations regarding the coverage. Amongst the things I’ve seen magazines specify are:

  • How many images you can use
  • That the magazine title must be mentioned in the first line of the first paragraph
  • That no negative or critical language may be used in the article relating to the celebrity or the magazine
  • That the magazine cover image MUST appear in the article
  • That the magazine cover must appear no smaller than a certain pixel or inch size
  • That the publication date of the magazine must appear along with a link to the magazine’s website
  • How many thousands of pounds you will be liable for if you break any of these terms

To my recollection none has ever specified that you must not link to sites which contain the entire feature or shoot but that would clearly go against the spirit of everything I have outlined above – that is to say a mutually financially beneficial arrangement that can’t be classed as advertorial because it isn’t advertorial but sits in an advertorial-adjacent grey area.

In terms of the Kate Moss Playboy pictures, I’ve been looking at the initial reporting regarding the photoshoot. The articles are clustered around 2-3 December (likely when the embargo broke) and feature the same set of clothed/covered up pictures of Kate Moss all with similar credit lines.

I don’t work in that industry anymore so I can’t say for certain but comparing a number of different articles I’d guess Playboy seeded three photos from the shoot as well as the cover with the requirement that they were all credited to Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott for Playboy. They probably also stipulated that the sale details for the magazine and a link to the Playboy website appeared and I’d assume they added in the standard clause regarding negative remarks about Playboy and Kate Moss.

In terms of the Harper’s situation, my guess is that the agreement with Playboy (if there even was one – after all, the article as it currently appears doesn’t use any of the images likely seeded by Playboy) didn’t make an explicit “no urls to people posting the rest of the shoot without our permission” clause and so Harper’s decided to take the risk, inflating the page views for the article by catering to those looking for the pictures of Kate Moss in the buff but not actually hosting the content themselves.

How the lawsuit develops and to what extent Harper’s Bazaar can be held legally responsible for an infringement conducted by another site will be of interest professionally but I would also be more than happy if this situation provokes a discussion of the practice of reporting magazine shoots. They’re not advertorial so legally speaking you don’t have to mark them as such, but you’re often posting content with restrictions imposed from outside in the same space you use for content which has no such editorial restrictions imposed upon it. To my mind that’s problematic.